feeling held back.

i've been feeling for a while now that i'm holding myself back, or moving myself to far forward, or something like that. all i know is that i haven't felt much like myself. i have been trying to predict what God is planning for me and trying to make it happen. i've been doing all of this to please Him, but instead i am losing Him. my predicting has got me no where, and my heart feels more empty than before. i just keep searching, hoping to find what it is i'm suppose to be looking for.

why do i try so hard to figure out what it is i need to be doing? i get a small glimmer of what i am to be doing and say, "thanks God, i'll take it from here!" that's not a smart approach at all! i know that God will reveal to me his plan when i am ready, so why do i go out there looking for something i know has not even been put into action yet? instead of listening to God in the whispers, i am ignoring them. ignoring the whisper, the yelling, the rocks being hurrled at me, the brick wall put in front of me. i'm just sitting back waiting for the earthquake before i listen up to what God has in store.

as good as it feels in the moment to be awaken by God in this way, i can't help but wonder what it would feel like all the time if i listened for God in the whispers...