i've been asked to stop simply scratching the surface of my life within the pages of this blog, but to dive a little deeper into what is going on in my life. to be completely honest, showing what is going on deep inside of me is hard, even among some of my closest friends. it is easier for me to keep everything to myself. by keeping things locked away, i don't run the risk of looking stupid, being laughed at, or being put down for what i think/believe. i know, i know, i shouldn't let what other people think affect my actions. its something that i say to people on a normal basis, but i'm not really practicing it very well. i say that i don't care what other people think about me - which is true when it comes to looks or acting silly in public - but i do care what they think when it comes to the core of my faith and who i am on the inside.
but, i've decided to take a stand and come out of my little shell. i'm hoping this doesn't backfire. i am going to start sharing more about my life here on this blog. i'm warning you that it is going to be rough, possibly something you don't really want to be reading, but it is the real me. so, feel free to back away now and never look back...i will not be offended personally by your choice to stop interacting on the blog. but, if you do want to stick around and see what my life is really about, please read and share your thoughts on life through the comments.
here it goes. today. i'm trying to just live in the moment. when i start thinking too far in the future (or even looking too far into the past) i get a headache. i want to believe that God has this all held together, but more often then not i doubt that this is what my life is suppose to be about. i have felt called to ministry for over two years and called to be a youth pastor for almost eight months. most days, i feel strongly about this being exactly what i'm suppose to do. but then, there are days where i begin to question myself. i begin to wonder if i have the skills needed to take on a youth group by myself. working with kelly is easy; when the hard times come, i call him and he fixes the problem. could i handle situations like those on my own? is this God telling me to hold off? is this me second guessing? i really don't have a clue.
coming upon graduation makes me nervous. when i graduate, everything i have known my whole life is done. i've been going to school since september 1992 - nearly 17 years of my life devoted to education and come june, its gone. i've been working for chevron since june 2005 - four years of working the only job i've ever had and it, too, will be gone come june. i feel like i'm jumping out into this big unknown. part of me is really excited, and the other part is scared out of my mind. i'm sure this is normal, but is the second guessing me or is it God?
i would love to hear what you think. seriously, if you are reading this, please let me know. i'm beginning to feel like i'm all alone...
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3 comments:
First off, I want to tell you that I like the writing style & openness in this entry. *hugs*
You mentioned not knowing if you have the skills to be a youth pastor. I think it's something you learn as you go. No, you may not have all the solutions but that's okay. there is nothing wrong with going to others for help either. But as you grown & mature (not only just in faith but in general) you will learn how to deal with some of the problems/issues that may come up. You have to learn to trust yourself (I have to admit I need to do this in my own life as well).
With your personality, I think you really can do this. Sometimes we are taught not to share our struggles in our faith or life in general. To be honest I think that is crap. The people I've learned the most from are the people that shared their experiences. Remember that it's okay to do that.
Thank you, Lisa. =)
Yay! I'm really enjoying this already! Thank you for taking this on. I know how difficult it can be to put yourself out there like this.
I think this kind of questioning/contemplation is helpful and part of growing into a more self-aware individual, which means I don't think these doubts and such mean you shouldn't pursue youth ministry. Callings are tricky because it seems like they should remain perfectly clear as time goes on, but I think the feeling ebbs and flows, while the deeper yearning remains.
Also, the nice thing about skills is that they are developed with time and study. If I threw a youth group at you today and said, "Run it," you'd made some mistakes and have some successes, but you'd figure it out, ultimately, through reading and experiencing things and talking to people who've been there.
As for a practical way of easing your mind, I think making two lists could help: one of skills/experiences/successes you already possess/have had and the other of situations/skills that you aren't so certain about. Then, you can gain some confidence as you check out what you're good at. Also, you will have a starting point on skills to research and develop.
Also, preparing to leave school is most definitely scary at times. I know you'll be great, but I also remember how scary that time was. *hugs*
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