this is me. all of me.

i've been asked to stop simply scratching the surface of my life within the pages of this blog, but to dive a little deeper into what is going on in my life. to be completely honest, showing what is going on deep inside of me is hard, even among some of my closest friends. it is easier for me to keep everything to myself. by keeping things locked away, i don't run the risk of looking stupid, being laughed at, or being put down for what i think/believe. i know, i know, i shouldn't let what other people think affect my actions. its something that i say to people on a normal basis, but i'm not really practicing it very well. i say that i don't care what other people think about me - which is true when it comes to looks or acting silly in public - but i do care what they think when it comes to the core of my faith and who i am on the inside.

but, i've decided to take a stand and come out of my little shell. i'm hoping this doesn't backfire. i am going to start sharing more about my life here on this blog. i'm warning you that it is going to be rough, possibly something you don't really want to be reading, but it is the real me. so, feel free to back away now and never look back...i will not be offended personally by your choice to stop interacting on the blog. but, if you do want to stick around and see what my life is really about, please read and share your thoughts on life through the comments.

here it goes. today. i'm trying to just live in the moment. when i start thinking too far in the future (or even looking too far into the past) i get a headache. i want to believe that God has this all held together, but more often then not i doubt that this is what my life is suppose to be about. i have felt called to ministry for over two years and called to be a youth pastor for almost eight months. most days, i feel strongly about this being exactly what i'm suppose to do. but then, there are days where i begin to question myself. i begin to wonder if i have the skills needed to take on a youth group by myself. working with kelly is easy; when the hard times come, i call him and he fixes the problem. could i handle situations like those on my own? is this God telling me to hold off? is this me second guessing? i really don't have a clue.

coming upon graduation makes me nervous. when i graduate, everything i have known my whole life is done. i've been going to school since september 1992 - nearly 17 years of my life devoted to education and come june, its gone. i've been working for chevron since june 2005 - four years of working the only job i've ever had and it, too, will be gone come june. i feel like i'm jumping out into this big unknown. part of me is really excited, and the other part is scared out of my mind. i'm sure this is normal, but is the second guessing me or is it God?

i would love to hear what you think. seriously, if you are reading this, please let me know. i'm beginning to feel like i'm all alone...

winds of change...

“This type of weather always makes me want to go home, start a fire, grab a blanket and a book…”

My boss just stated this fact over the cubicle, and Myriam (my co-worker) and I totally agree! It is beyond windy, even the tree outside my window keeps knocking wanting to come in and get away from it. While the wind is blowing outside, the winds of change are blowing within our youth group. God has placed it in the heart of both Kelly and me to move our youth group in a new direction. While no one really knows quite yet what this is going to become, I know that it is going to be something few have seen before, and I am so excited!

In other news, I turned in my Grad Check last Friday. I am five classes away from a Bachelor’s Degree, and will be graduating (if everything goes smoothly) in June…I turn 21 one week from today and am celebrating with a party at John’s Incredible Pizza...my cousin is getting married in less than a month and I am super excited…Youth Convention is less than a month away too…

So many insanely awesome things going on, in addition to me practically working three jobs, I am finding little time for sleep. God, please grant me strength to know when to say no and to go where you are leading me…