mirror.

for the first installment of my new blog series, i am going to write about the song mirror by barlowgirl. this song is amazing.

mirror, mirror on the wall, have i got it?
'cause mirror you've always told me who i am
i'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
so sorry you won't define me
sorry you don't own me

who are you to tell me that i'm less than what i should be?
who are you? who are you?
i don't need to listen to the list of things i should do
i won't try, i won't try

mirror i am seeing a new reflection
i'm looking into the eyes of He who made me
and to Him i have beauty beyond compare
i know He defines me

you don't define me, you don't define me

i really like this song for multiple reasons. as much as i hate to admit it, i completely care what other people think of me when it comes to ministry. i have been trying to be a cookie-cutter christian for a long time, trying to do what the church says i should do. not the church like in the bible, but the church as in the man-constructed institution. sometimes when i feel in my heart that i should do something, i feel held back because of what people will think. this song helps me remember that it isn't about what other people think and that i don't need to try to live up to what they say i need to be.

this song is also one that makes me think of the children in zimbabwe. there is a little girl who lives in one of the orphanages that alan and dorothy help who's mother named her no matter. she is just one example of thousands of children who are told from a young age that they don't matter. but alan and dorothy have renamed her precious because that is what she is to God. her mother tried to define her one way, but to God she is beauty beyond compare.

mirror i am seeing a new reflection...

more soul pancake.

list five possible openings for your autobiography.

1. My life has always been complicated. From the time I literally fell down the stairs and teachers thought my parents beat me, to the time I beat myself up for not coming back sooner, and all the times in-between only one word could describe it: complicated.
2. I was the only child until age four, the eldest of two until age seventeen, and come high school graduation I was the middle of five AND the middle of four.
3. My high school drumline instructor told me my sophomore year “Don’t be the one who sucks the worst” and I’ve tried to live by his wise analogies ever since.
4. Someone once told me it doesn’t matter how fast or slow you go in life as long as you stay in your own lane. It took me years to understand what he meant, and by then it might have been too late.
5. I’ve never been great at communicating my inner-most thoughts, so I generally turn to music lyrics/famous quotes to get the point across: “I have these dreams in the back of my mind, but they never pan out unless I wake up and try.” My life is a story of dreams that I took way to long to wake up from.

Let me know what yours would be...please?

another week here and gone.

the weekend that was: long. friday was spent with some best friends eating, laughing, and having fun. first was lunch with sarah and heather, then at the church with the ruffs, the twins, sav, kayloni, and the future browns, and i finished the night with CSI: and pizza with alisha. saturday started with the Easter egg hunt and ended with visiting my dad in the hospital. he's doing better, but much of the weekend was spent visiting with him. oh! and easter sunday with the fam at nan's house. our get-togethers are always fun.

where i am at the moment: in class. ready for june to get here already.

on my to-do list this week: writing more on here. some homework. and HILLSONG UNITED CONCERT on friday. =D

what God is teaching me: that friends are amazing. that he will work things out in the end.

book i’m in the midst of: stand by alex mcfarland (for the connection). the shack by wm. paul young (for myself).

music that seemed to catch my attention this past week: more "punk goes..." music and the newest anberlin cd.

next trip: to los angeles on saturday to visit the cousins.

how i’m feeling about this week: excited!

new idea.

ok. i know it has been a while (based on my standards) since i have updated this thing. i have been really busy this week, and haven't had much time to get on the interwebs for a little blog post. while this isn't going to be a meaty post by any means, i am going to reveal a cool idea that came to light this week in the long hours that i spend laying awake before sleep sets in. i have realized how much i absolutely love music. for those of you who know me fairly well, you are saying "duh!" at this point, but let me continue. i love listening to music and the lyrics and painting a picture of how the thoughts, emotions, and life behind the music fits with me and my life in that very moment. this got me thinking, why don't i share my life in any given moment based on the lyrics of a song that is really touching me. so, for a little while at least, my post will be formatted accordingly. i will pick a "song of the day," if you will, and then explain how the deep parts of my life are related to that song. i won't be posting everyday, but when i do i will post in this way (and of course include a YouTube video or something to show the song as a whole instead of you only experiencing the lyrics of it).

let me know if you like the idea. i plan to start with a song or two this weekend and a full update come monday. =)

boring. i know.

the weekend that was: relaxing. friday i had movie night with brian and jeanna and it was amazing. we watched transformers and twilight while eating way too much candy and popcorn. i left jeanna's after midnight causing me to not get home until around 1:30 in the morning. even the floor felt good at that hour! saturday i did hardly anything and ended the weekend with missions madness combined service at church and more nothing-ness.

where i am at the moment: super excited to finish school. super nervous to finish school. super excited to move to a new job. super nervous to have to find a new job.

on my to-do list this week: i need to write another "deeper look into my life" entry this week. also, i need to buy books for school and i start that back up on wednesday.

what God is teaching me: that friends are amazing. that he will work things out in the end.

book i’m in the midst of: stand by alex mcfarland (for the connection). the shack by wm. paul young (for myself).

music that seemed to catch my attention this past week: the second volume of "punk goes pop." it is awesome. august burns red screaming "...baby one more time" is worth the price of the cd all by itself.

next trip: ...?

how i’m feeling about this week: restless. excited. nervous. happy. awesome.

this is me. all of me.

i've been asked to stop simply scratching the surface of my life within the pages of this blog, but to dive a little deeper into what is going on in my life. to be completely honest, showing what is going on deep inside of me is hard, even among some of my closest friends. it is easier for me to keep everything to myself. by keeping things locked away, i don't run the risk of looking stupid, being laughed at, or being put down for what i think/believe. i know, i know, i shouldn't let what other people think affect my actions. its something that i say to people on a normal basis, but i'm not really practicing it very well. i say that i don't care what other people think about me - which is true when it comes to looks or acting silly in public - but i do care what they think when it comes to the core of my faith and who i am on the inside.

but, i've decided to take a stand and come out of my little shell. i'm hoping this doesn't backfire. i am going to start sharing more about my life here on this blog. i'm warning you that it is going to be rough, possibly something you don't really want to be reading, but it is the real me. so, feel free to back away now and never look back...i will not be offended personally by your choice to stop interacting on the blog. but, if you do want to stick around and see what my life is really about, please read and share your thoughts on life through the comments.

here it goes. today. i'm trying to just live in the moment. when i start thinking too far in the future (or even looking too far into the past) i get a headache. i want to believe that God has this all held together, but more often then not i doubt that this is what my life is suppose to be about. i have felt called to ministry for over two years and called to be a youth pastor for almost eight months. most days, i feel strongly about this being exactly what i'm suppose to do. but then, there are days where i begin to question myself. i begin to wonder if i have the skills needed to take on a youth group by myself. working with kelly is easy; when the hard times come, i call him and he fixes the problem. could i handle situations like those on my own? is this God telling me to hold off? is this me second guessing? i really don't have a clue.

coming upon graduation makes me nervous. when i graduate, everything i have known my whole life is done. i've been going to school since september 1992 - nearly 17 years of my life devoted to education and come june, its gone. i've been working for chevron since june 2005 - four years of working the only job i've ever had and it, too, will be gone come june. i feel like i'm jumping out into this big unknown. part of me is really excited, and the other part is scared out of my mind. i'm sure this is normal, but is the second guessing me or is it God?

i would love to hear what you think. seriously, if you are reading this, please let me know. i'm beginning to feel like i'm all alone...

a new day has come (100 days until Zim).

the weekend that was: long! we had an ADLA drumline competition in fontana this weekend. the drummers had to meet at the high school at five in the morning on saturday for a long day of driving, practicing, performing, eating, and hanging out. overall, the performance was good, but our place didn't really reflect that. the mall was so much fun in between performing and awards. i spent the four hours with jeff, ethan, tony, and andrew. they are a crazy bunch of boys, but it was so much fun. we ate, walked around and looked, ate some more, then went to the bass pro shop. seriously, it was like disneyland. you have to walk through the turnstiles to get into this place and there is a map and everything! we took pictures, played with archery things, did a shooting game. loads of fun. by the end of the day, we were so tired! i slept on the bus the whole way home. sunday was just normal. two services, lunch with mom and kevin, then tv and a nap.

where i am at the moment: at work. this week is spring break at school. thank goodness! i needed a break BAD.

on my to-do list this week: finishing stuff for the connection, a few little tasks at work, meeting with campus live people on wednesday. and i want to finish the shack this week.

what God is teaching me: that my friends are in my life for a reason. that my family is awesome. that He loves me more than i can ever fully understand.

book i’m in the midst of: stand by alex mcfarland (for the connection). the shack by wm. paul young (for myself). both are good. =)

music that seemed to catch my attention this past week: the cd colors by between the buried and me. this cd is possibly the greatest progressive cd i have ever heard. also listening to lorel's cd this week. i miss her lots.

next trip: not really sure. probably a trip to visit the cousins in la in the near future.

how i’m feeling about this week: restless. excited. relieved.

a picture is worth a thousand words.

if you write it down, you are seven times more likely to achieve your goal.
this was a challenge set forth by both Soul Pancake.com and BeUnmuted.com, and it was a challenge i decided to actually do.

so, i wrote down something i wanted to do with my life. its in sharpie, on my hand, for the rest of the day and its something i now am going to be held to, which i am excited about.


what are you going to write down today?

Jesus in the wilderness.

i saw this awesome video last week. it’s a beautiful and insightful collection of drawings (really, cartoons) representing the 40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness. (illustrations by a British illustrator named Simon Smith, and put to an Explosions In The Sky song). i really liked this depiction of Jesus, and i think that it is something we all need to be reminded of from time to time. sometimes we need to go out and get away from it all for a silent time of reflection with ourself and God. also, it reminds me that even Jesus went through struggles and it helps me know that I can overcome them. Let me know what you think of the video in the comments. =)

last week of the winter quarter.

the weekend that was: fun. i went to the taft drumline competition on saturday at south high. the drummers played well (even with the major flub at the beginning of the show). and we were shocked when we went from last place out of six at the previous competition to third place out of seven at this one. and we were only like .8 points from first place. and then on sunday we had the grand opening of our church, and the sanctuary was nearly full! it was so awesome to see that many people coming together for such a big moment in our church's history. other than all of that, i just worked on my magazine feature story (my final paper for my feature writing class) and reading. all in all it was a relaxing weekend.

where i am at the moment: at work currently, but really just wanting to be anywhere else but here. i'm really excited about the weeks ahead, but i'm also trying to live in the moment more. its a balancing thing.

on my to-do list this week: finishing my last paper of the quarter, finishing the stuff for this week's connection.

what God is teaching me: that if i fully trust Him, He will not let me down.

book i’m in the midst of: stand by alex mcfarland (for the connection). looking for alaska by john green i just finished and it was amazing! such a great book. i totally almost cried in the middle, and the end. it was fantastic. i started reading the shack by wm. paul young, and it is super good already. so many people recommended that i read it, so i picked it up at costco yesterday.

music that seemed to catch my attention this past week: for some reason the song take a breath by the jonas brothers keeps coming into play. the lyrics are something i need to hear on a normal basis, so i really felt drawn to it this week.

next trip: not mexico =( we had to cancel our trip because of financial things. but its ok, we're going to still do some mission type work during spring break. as for my next trip...i'm hoping to go down to LA sometime soon-ish for a visit to the cousins and hopefully a small trip to sacramento to visit liz. as for times for these trips...tba.

how i’m feeling about this week: restless.

it's just amburgers and wootbeer, okay?

This video will make you smile, promise. I thought about it last week, and decided to post the video here. It brought me back to watching all those random videos with Josh, Crystal, and Jenn out at Aunt Neece's house so many years ago. Enjoy =)

random night.

i'm sitting here in good ol' taft. jeff and i are taking an IQ test online while listening to some music that his band recorded a few weeks ago. tonight has been pretty awesome. it started with drumline and then a murble run. followed by my dawn defeo interview for the final paper in feature writing and some other writing on my intercultural communications paper. all in all, very productive.

tonight's awesomeness came out of nothing, really. it has made me realize that life really is what you make it. if you go in optimistic, then you are going to come out on top. if you go in with God, there is no way you are going to fail. this amazing outlook on life is making me far less stressed about the future, which is something i desperately needed. my dad and i had a good chat today about the future following graduation for me, and it made me nervous about the next chapter in my life. now, i think i'll be ok.

that God for cool little brothers who don't mind spending an evening with their not so cool older sisters.

anticipation.

the weekend that was: relaxing-ish. spent friday with sav in commute to my mom's, the liberty game in fresno, and back to my mom's. saturday was spent just hanging out with jm watching cribs until jessie and jeff's wedding at seven. the wedding was far less awkward then i thought it would be. i hung out with amber, her roommate, and alisha at the reception, and we had a great time being (practically) the only sober ones there. sunday was nice. kelly gave me the day off, so to speak, so i got to sit in service and just worship and listen. it was good. then, i went to hang out with alisha for a while before heading home. it was great weekend, where i got far less done then i had hoped, but the relaxation was much needed.

where i am at the moment: excited. the connection is so awesome! i'm also nervous about school. finals next week, pray for me.

on my to-do list this week: finishing the final paper for all three of my classes. epp.

what God is teaching me: that if i fully trust Him, He will not let me down.

book i’m in the midst of: stand by alex mcfarland (for the connection). looking for alaska by john green (just because). both are very good, in their own way. =)

music that seemed to catch my attention this past week: underoath. anberlin.

next trip: mexico to build a house in april. =)

how i’m feeling about this week: anxious. excited. restless.

a new perspective.

"The people had a great impact on me and I believe I returned home with a different outlook from many who go on missions trips. People return to America and have this gratitude for all they have… but those are just things. These people have the power and presence of God. They have community, family, and are the true church. We need them to be missionaries here in the States."

This quote was posted on the Unmuted blog by Britney following her trip to Panamaquin, Guatemala. These thoughts have been stirring around in my mind...am I just feeling thankful for what I have? I know that these were my thought last year as I returned from the Mexico trip. This year, I want thoughts like Britney's when I go to Mexico and Zimbabwe. Lord, please give me a deeper understanding of these people and who they are.

looking forward to a new challege.

the weekend that was: pretty long. friday night we threw sav a surprise birthday party which went off fantastically. then, we hung out at jake and sam's and i stayed the night at sav's. sav and i woke up early for a day of drumline. i have been asked to help with taft and am really excited about that, and the drumline shows seem so cool for this year and i can't wait to see where they go. sunday was the usual, with a little glitch in the middle, a business meeting for brimhall, and a great time of learning and creating with sam. i cannot wait to see where the week goes.

where i am at the moment: happy, confused, and excited all at once. oh, and slightly overwhelmed with school, too.

on my to-do list this week: a ton of homework. getting the connection pulled together. finishing the winter camp video. finding out what is going on with a few people. oh, and not going crazy.

what god is teaching me: that He has a plan for my life, and that i'm living it out. sometimes i forget the bigger picture, but God is helping me see that lately. He is also continually showing me that ministry is where i am called to be. i constantly am finding different ways to lead and it is good feeling to know that i am heading in the right direction.

book i’m in the midst of: i want to start a new book. any suggestions?

music that seemed to catch my attention this past week: the cd that kayloni gave me. anberlin. christopher's cd, for some reason.

next trip: mexico to build a house in april. =)

how i’m feeling about this week: anxious. excited. nervous. scared. ready.

feeling held back.

i've been feeling for a while now that i'm holding myself back, or moving myself to far forward, or something like that. all i know is that i haven't felt much like myself. i have been trying to predict what God is planning for me and trying to make it happen. i've been doing all of this to please Him, but instead i am losing Him. my predicting has got me no where, and my heart feels more empty than before. i just keep searching, hoping to find what it is i'm suppose to be looking for.

why do i try so hard to figure out what it is i need to be doing? i get a small glimmer of what i am to be doing and say, "thanks God, i'll take it from here!" that's not a smart approach at all! i know that God will reveal to me his plan when i am ready, so why do i go out there looking for something i know has not even been put into action yet? instead of listening to God in the whispers, i am ignoring them. ignoring the whisper, the yelling, the rocks being hurrled at me, the brick wall put in front of me. i'm just sitting back waiting for the earthquake before i listen up to what God has in store.

as good as it feels in the moment to be awaken by God in this way, i can't help but wonder what it would feel like all the time if i listened for God in the whispers...

sugarpine oh-nine.

wow, winter camp was amazing. there were so many powerful things that happened in the students that i couldn't even describe them all to you in one setting. i can say that i am so glad that everyone that went ended up there because everyone walked away with a new understanding of who God is and where He is leading them.

there was more snow on the mountain this year then i have ever seen. epic built a fort in the middle of the field, and everyone else turned on us. there was a huge snow ball fight on saturday that lasted for hours. i was attacked, josiah was stuck in the fort, and we created sneak attack plans. during the fight, adrianne and i got stuck past our waist in the snow and i thought we were gone forever (or at least for a few weeks until all that snow melted).

worship was awesome, as always. kevin and the team were completely open to the spirit and were able to take the students to new heights in their worship. the speaker was awesome, as always. steve chavez brought the word in a hard, fast, and great way. he is possibly one of the greatest speakers i have had the opportunity to listen to.

all in all the weekend was amazing. i met some great new friends and reconnected with old ones. i created some friendships that will last a lifetime. there was insane hype surrounding winter camp, and it lived up to it and more.

long weekend. happy results.

the weekend that was: unbelievable. winter camp was amazing. i will give a list of my favorite moments from camp in another post.

where i am at the moment: completely happy and optimistic. hoping for the best and ready to actually give it ALL over to God.

on my to-do list this week: continue selling outback tickets, start a couple papers.

what god is teaching me: that He really is looking out for me. that i am never alone is this crazy world. that i have some of the greatest friends and that they are the ones i can always turn to. its a good feeling.

book i’m in the midst of: trying to sort somethings out. i want to start a new book.

music that seemed to catch my attention this past week: more anberlin. a band called confide. and the awesome rock concert at winter camp.

next trip: pretty sure its mexico in april, but not quite sure if i'm going to have another trip before that.

how i’m feeling about this week: anxious.

on the road, again.

in about four hours i will be on the road again with EPIC. this time, our destination is sugarpine for winter camp. for me, winter camp is one of the greatest weekends of the year. we get to hide out in the beautiful mountains, with snow and friends for an awesome time of worship and reflection. there is just something about being far away from our everyday life that brings us together, and i love that feeling. bonus, kevin doyle is one of the best praise and worship leaders i have ever had the privilege of listening to, and he leads worship at winter camp every year. his ability to bring the worship out of every student is amazing to watch. plus, i actually get a chance to worship, something i miss from time to time being that i am a major part of the sound/tech aspect of both our youth services and sunday services here at home.

so, be prepared for a trip recap come tuesday. see you on the other side of the weekend.

procrastination will be the death of me.

even as i sit here and blog to you, i am procrastinating at least four other things. why is it that we procrastinate? for me, i think i take on too many projects, trying to be super woman, and then i end up only doing half as well on all of them as i want to. my "to do list" is ever increasing, while the satisfaction i get at crossing them off decreases at a faster rate. the annoying thing is that all the projects i want to do to further prepare me for my future career are being pushed aside for the little things i have to do. i am so close to graduation, but i'm to the point where i don't really care about it anymore. i know this is HORRIBLE, but i don't really know what to do. i know i'm going to graduate, i need to graduate, but i'm not really caring right now. how do i change that?

goodness. procrastination/ADD is going to be the death of me. it took me twenty minutes to type this short entry, and i was doing three other things - a project for work, checking email, checking info for classes next quarter.